Mother’s Day Humor

I dedicate this piece of drabble/microfiction to all of the amazing moms who never lose their cool. Moms who are nothing like me. Happy Mother’s Day!   Simmering at 6:08 p.m.   “What’s for dinner?” Something delicious. Stop snacking and turn off the Xbox. “I’m hungry.” I said no more snacks. “Fine, I’ll just get…

Anxious Writer’s Notes

(Above: Me, the way my family is used to seeing me when I’m writing. Unpaid promotional note: I typed the majority of my novel in Google Docs on this little Samsung Chromebook, and loved it.) And Some Shameless Self-Promotion Is there anything more depressing than an abandoned blog? (Yes. Tons of things: war, starvation, disease,…

Lost Letters to the Easter Bunny

Dear Mr. Easter Bunny, My mom said I should write another letter to you because I don’t like the way she answers my questions. Question #1—Are you real, Mr. Easter Bunny? My mom says, “What does your heart tell you?” My heart tells me that giant bunnies are terrifying, even if they’re dressed in pastel…

Audrey’s Rules for a Fun, Cool, Awesome Indoor Easter Egg Hunt

Easter Egg Hunt Advice from a 5-Year-Old My 5-year-old daughter, Audrey, was thrilled when I brought out all our Easter decorations this morning.  Now my living room floor is covered in shredded green and purple “grass,” mismatched plastic egg halves, Easter books, empty Easter baskets, and chick and bunny stuffed animals.  We’ve already had five…

My Worst Camping Experience

Camping Downstream with Truffles and My New Shoes This true story is dedicated to my parents. (I love you, Mom and Dad. If you ever want to take the grandkids camping, be sure to count me out!) When I was ten years old, my parents decided that my younger brother and I were old enough…

St. Patrick’s Day Flash Fiction

A Little Forbidden Love by Maria Roth   Lizzie closed her eyes and stroked her sleeping husband’s shoulder. Johnny, she thought.   Johnny came back, as if she’d never stopped dreaming. “Why won’t you run away with me?” he asked. “I’m married.”   “To a freak! What the hell were you thinkin’, Lizzie?” Johnny touched…

Excerpts from Yet Another Rejected Romance Novel: Annabelle’s Cure

Sometimes it’s fun to write satirical, awful-on-purpose fiction, especially romance, fantasy, and sci-fi. It makes me laugh. “Serious” romance novels often make me laugh, too. Fifty Shades of Grey, for example, is a laugh riot.   Here are my favorite excerpts from yet another unpublished romance novel—last one, I swear!—by my BFF/alter ego, Michelle Grebo,…

Excerpts from Another Rejected Romance Novel: He Was More Hillbilly Than Vampire

“Katie had always wanted to date a vampire.”  When I read that opening line in Michelle Grebo’s 132nd unpublished romance novel, He Was More Hillbilly Than Vampire, I knew I was in for a treat.  I don’t usually enjoy paranormal romances, but Michelle was thoughtful enough to name the main character—a shy, potentially impotent vampire—after…

Excerpts from a Rejected Romance Novel

(Unpublished Masterpieces and Other Tragedies) I have always been interested in the lives of other writers, and the lives of the stories and poems they create. Some of their creations flourish in e-book form on Amazon, or find tangible, paper homes on a Barnes & Noble bookshelf; some hide in the large-print sections of libraries.…

Fill-in-the-Blank Valentine’s Day Love Poem

For Lazy or Uninspired Men to Give Their Girlfriends or Wives Looking for the perfect way to say “I love you” to your significant other this Valentine’s Day? Maybe you’re too broke to buy a decent Hallmark card. Maybe your identity was recently stolen and you’ve sworn off all online-shopping. Well, at least you’re smart…